Bless google search terms

February 16, 2008 at 12:40 am 9 comments

Preface:

Dearest ClosetReaders, I know I am one big disappointment to you because of my constant disappearing tricks. Let me assure you, this blog will get back on track in 2 or 3 months, and then I will fulfill all my broken promises to you (I’d link to them, but they are so many) and this blog will be totally awesome.

Until then, I really can’t commit to anything more than a post here or there. If you want to be sure you don’t miss my rare spurts of brilliance, I strongly recommend you subscribe to the ClosetFeed or the ClosetEmail. Realistically, I won’t be cluttering your mailbox any time soon. In the meantime, here’s a little something for your amusement. I started writing it months ago. Chile, lets see if I can top your b00bs with this one.

——————————————–

Yeah, I know every blogger in the bloggyverse has done a post about google search terms. And somehow, I haven’t… until now! Which is a shame, because you wouldn’t believe the things people type in google. Unless you have a blog. And cool stats that tell you what have crazy folks been googling. So today is your lucky day.

I mean, some of the things make sense, I’ve written about Diva Cups here. And clogs. And kitty litter. And kitty litter toilet clogs (I get these a lot. Now, who, in their right mind, dumps kitty littler in the toilet?). And toilet paper. I also get plenty of things related to recycling and clothes, or even Get Fuzzy, which makes sense too. Now, this is where we begin to leave the realm of reason and I begin to wonder who dahell is googling this stuff, and most importantly… why? WHY?

Some are just amusing:

closet environmentalists – yep! that’s us

beautiful facts – plenty of those here! Like this one, or this one.

i love green clothes – well good for you. I love green clothes too. Not the color, the other kind. No, not money. The other kind. You know, the new black…

more than one cute cat in the same pic – its true, you can never have too many cute cats in the same pic. Because I’m such a giver:

funny pictures

One of my favorites is when people ask google for the answer to the major questions in life (and google then sends them here, MUAhAHAHaHAHA).

what happens if you tumble dry jeans tha – Well, you’ve come to the right place. Allow me to explain. When you tumble dry jeans, you use energy. Producing energy makes CO2. CO2 causes global warming. Global warming kills polar bears. So basically, every time a tumble drier dings, a polar bear loses his ice cap. And drowns. 😥

how do you get bowel movement stains out – been using Alli, eh? I’m so sorry. Just don’t use the tumble drier or that will be polar bear blood on your hands as well as sh!t in your pants.

why does my boyfriend wear big sweaters – Why indeed

why is russian fashion so ugly – another great question

does leather just come from cows – oh, no, honey, leather comes from the mall. Everyone knows that.

Are pesticides good for you on apples?? – yes. DDT is good for me-e-e!!1!

does pooing reduce cellulite? *headdesk*

how to butcher a cow – did you try eHow? Wait, here it is. You’re welcome.

how to get creative with ground beef – this better not be what it sounds like…

But then there are things that make me scratch my head and go “WTF??”

i milk my beef cow – couldn’t figure out how to butcher it, eh?

sucker cows, beef – oh yeah, only sucker cows go into beef. The smart ones escape The Meatrix…. Pause- NOT!

the drink in amsterdam that makes you se – oh damn you blog stats, I would pay good money to find out how this sentence ends. Is it dead people? Colors? Flying unicorns? Whatever it is, I’ll have 2 of those!

residue on suspicious packages – must be anthrax. Gotta be. Cocaine maybe? Or maybe powdered sugar. I think a taste test is the only way to know for sure. Edit: Hmm… 2 hits from this in one day… Should I be worried?

Honey Crappings and buying Honey Crappings – eh? Nevermind. I don’t think I want to know.

how is hardcore recycled & why use recycled hardcore – starting to think this post was named rather unfortunately… Naive little me

if i told you i don’t hate you – yes, you would be lying. Now get the f#c% off my blog.

And now for the biggest douche in the universe award:

trick girls to take off clothes

but wait… maybe douche succeeded:

they stole my clothes im naked

Believe me, it gets even more disturbing than this, but for your sake, I censored. Can’t you tell? I don’t want to attract the wrong crowds here. Not that it makes any difference now:

And this after all the effort I make to restrain myself? Fuck that!

What about my fellow bloggers? What kind of crazy does Google send you? Or are you by any chance responsible for any of the pearls above? Care to explain? Different ones, maybe? Please, do tell! I won’t mock you, I promise.

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Entry filed under: environment. Tags: , , .

O look! Could it be? A post! But I didn’t have time to clean up!

9 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Chile  |  February 16, 2008 at 4:39 am

    ROFLMAO! Your weird searches are about to increase, my dear. Since writing about my b00bs, I’ve gotten quite a few more hits from b00by searches. People want to do things to them that I don’t want strangers doing. People want to see them naked but only if they are Chilean or from Lancaster, OH. (Why?) And yes, they are still searching on “alina b00bs” but they aren’t using zeros. Oh heck, you’re the one that started it all on my blog…. They’re searching on alina BOOBS! *cheeky grin*

  • 2. Alina  |  February 16, 2008 at 3:48 pm

    Naughty naughty Chile! I’m not above censorship, you know 😉 Now I’m curious to see if they find me… I think they must be looking for the other Alina, the model. Or so I hope.

  • 3. gettinggreen  |  February 18, 2008 at 5:58 am

    AAAHAHAHA! Those are awesome! Man, they totally beat mine any day. What on earth are you writing about over here anyway, Alina? God, I have to check in more often and hear all about these creative uses of ground beef.

  • 4. Simmons  |  February 28, 2008 at 2:15 am

    Interesting comment thread we’ve got going here…

    ANYWAY:
    Awesome blog – I’ve added you to my blogroll. I’d appreciate it if you linked back.

  • 5. wasteweardaily  |  February 29, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    I got “crossdressers feminine hygeine products”. That brought them to my post about crunchy chickens good4girls post.
    Cindy in FL
    http://wasteweardaily.wordpress.com/

  • 6. Tempyra  |  March 3, 2008 at 8:57 am

    OOooh so funny!! My fav is the “they stole my clothes im naked” one. Maybe the drink in Amsterdam that makes you see ? is absinthe… Thats my best guess.

    I came here not via some crazy search term but by The Ecoliberterian’s Carnival of the Green post. Ironically I wrote my own post on what Google sends my way a few days ago.

    Just for giggles:
    http://www.tempyra.com/?p=189

    Sasha

  • 7. punky  |  March 4, 2008 at 12:59 am

    loving your blog!!

  • 8. This one is funny « Blogging about simplifying  |  April 17, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    […] April 17, 2008, 3:28 pm Filed under: Funnies At the Closet Environmentalist, she posted Google search terms that brought people to her blog. It’s […]

  • 9. Gypsy  |  June 11, 2008 at 11:23 am

    I just came across your blog (I should be updating my own but am procrastinating endlessley!) and I now have tears streaming down my face from that. I don’t know if my favourite is the pesticides being good for you or the cellulite reducing tips …

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